You made me breakfast. Tomato on toast if I remember right. That rye that isn’t rye that
you know is my favourite. With Bovril on it to keep my iron up.
you know is my favourite. With Bovril on it to keep my iron up.
a
But I was too busy crying over the backgammon board to eat it.
I don’t think you finished your omelette. My tears hid me from most things. I threw a
double 6. I felt a little better.
double 6. I felt a little better.
We made another pot of tea. It was weak but I didn’t say anything. I felt good about myself
not saying anything. But I didn’t finish my cup and threw it down the sink. To ‘make a
point’. I felt worse then.
not saying anything. But I didn’t finish my cup and threw it down the sink. To ‘make a
point’. I felt worse then.
I wandered around the garden. Pretending to be just wandering. Looking at the plants.
Looking at the sky. Looking at the pool. Pretending to be fine. The cat found me.
Looking at the sky. Looking at the pool. Pretending to be fine. The cat found me.
Shall we play scrabble? Again. I didn’t really mind. Okay, I said. Pretending to be
juuusssssst fine.
juuusssssst fine.
I got Q E A G E N Y. I felt a little better.
I mentioned how we had to go buy something for dinner. Mmm. You said. You put down
‘sneak’ as your first word. You got 28 points. I put down ‘sneaky’ and ‘yen’. I got only 20
points. You put down ‘surly’. I wondered if you were trying to send me a message.
‘sneak’ as your first word. You got 28 points. I put down ‘sneaky’ and ‘yen’. I got only 20
points. You put down ‘surly’. I wondered if you were trying to send me a message.
In Woolworths I grabbed a packet of Roma tomatoes, surprised they had. Subdued
excitement. We said we should buy orange juice. You grabbed a packet of prawn chips and
gave me a little smile. I smiled back. I wondered if anyone in Woolworths would notice my
blotchiness. I should have put on some make-up. I cleared my throat. I read somewhere
that stops you crying.
excitement. We said we should buy orange juice. You grabbed a packet of prawn chips and
gave me a little smile. I smiled back. I wondered if anyone in Woolworths would notice my
blotchiness. I should have put on some make-up. I cleared my throat. I read somewhere
that stops you crying.
I sighed. You mentioned the clouds. I said they were beautiful. You said your clutch was
acting up again. I said, Shit. We drove.
acting up again. I said, Shit. We drove.
Just outside your house a kid was walking his german shepherd. As we turned in the puppy
yanked the kid across your drive, while he gasped at us with an exaggerated startled face.
We turned to each other and burst out laughing. You did that guffaw that I love. I breathed.
I grabbed your hand. From excitement. From relief.
yanked the kid across your drive, while he gasped at us with an exaggerated startled face.
We turned to each other and burst out laughing. You did that guffaw that I love. I breathed.
I grabbed your hand. From excitement. From relief.
I smiled. We forgot the orange juice.
Champagne. Pool. Swim. Scrabble. Sex. Swim. Backgammon. Reading. Reading. Reading.
I stirred the frying tomatoes with a subtle smile. Wine? Yes please. We must go for a picnic.
Of course, you said. The pasta was nice. Not great. Many things are not great, but nice. I
think my standards have risen, I said. Mmm. You said, and looked at your food. I wondered
if you thought I was trying to send you a message. I wasn’t. But I didn’t discourage you
from thinking I may have been.
Of course, you said. The pasta was nice. Not great. Many things are not great, but nice. I
think my standards have risen, I said. Mmm. You said, and looked at your food. I wondered
if you thought I was trying to send you a message. I wasn’t. But I didn’t discourage you
from thinking I may have been.
We showered. Lathered. Laughed. Full from food. Hair wet. Urged myself to relax.
I could tell you were confused, but you took it well. I was upset out of habit. I dressed silently.
I left all my clothes on. To ‘make a point’. You were staring at me, I could feel it. I refused to
look at your face. Only once. Quickly. A horrible, little smile. I shoved myself under the
covers and turned away. Good night, you said. Good night.
I could tell you were confused, but you took it well. I was upset out of habit. I dressed silently.
I left all my clothes on. To ‘make a point’. You were staring at me, I could feel it. I refused to
look at your face. Only once. Quickly. A horrible, little smile. I shoved myself under the
covers and turned away. Good night, you said. Good night.
I shuffled. You rearranged. You turned away from me. I cleared my throat.
I’m nervous, you said. My face changed. I undressed silently. Rubbed your foot with mine.
Pressed myself on your back. Hoped that I knew that I could excite you with myself. My
breasts. My mouth. My calculating fingers.
breasts. My mouth. My calculating fingers.
I could. I was. You turned to me. Turning me on. Don’t try too hard, be light. I felt powerful
in your wanting. You working for me. You kissing my stomach. I thought of how women are
taught to own the power. To gift it. I got angry. I started fighting for my arousal. I forced
you to bite me. Don’t try too hard. My own advice.
in your wanting. You working for me. You kissing my stomach. I thought of how women are
taught to own the power. To gift it. I got angry. I started fighting for my arousal. I forced
you to bite me. Don’t try too hard. My own advice.
I stopped. I breathed. Confusion from you. From me. I kissed you lightly. Then forcefully.
You kissed me back. It was quick, quiet and wonderful. I came. You came. The clean up was
performative and familiar.
You kissed me back. It was quick, quiet and wonderful. I came. You came. The clean up was
performative and familiar.
a
We lay there sweating. I frowned. I was sore. I rolled over, hugging myself. I pulled away
from you. You wouldn’t let me. You pulled the covers over, hugged me from behind.
from you. You wouldn’t let me. You pulled the covers over, hugged me from behind.
a
I love you, you said. I love you, I said.
